How To Get People At Work To Stop Talking To You: Compliments

If you work in an office like I do, you know what a fucking drag it is to have to interact with your coworkers all the time. It's like, yeah, we see each other every day and spend most of our time together, but can you not?
I've been working on a few ways to get people to stop talking to me forever, and now I'm here to share some of my tips with you.

The first in this series that I will likely not remember to continue is how to respond to compliments.

Example Compliment: "I like your earrings"

Example Responses:

"Thanks, they were a gift from someone I don't love anymore."

alternately

"You can't have them."

or

"Do you want to buy them?" (Have an asking price in mind with this one)

and the conversation-ender to end all conversations:

"Thanks, I got them for my dad's funeral."

Farewell, Wisdom Teeth.

I have three wisdom teeth in my mouth and when I went to the dentist last week, he looked in my mouth for about fifteen seconds and said they all had to go. The teeth have shifted and are basically sideways, and in the x-rays you can see that the roots are crooked, too.
They did not give me a copy of the x-ray.
This Saturday at 7:30 AM I have an appointment to get these babies [my wisdom teeth] cut out of my mouf. I've got a lot of feelings about this.

PROS:

• It will be easier to brush all my teeth, it is actually not easy to get them all
• So much more room for the OG crew of teeth to hang out in there
• The whole "sideways molar thing" will be a thing of the past
• Maybe they will let me keep the teeth
• Maybe my sister will take a hilarious video of me in my post-tooth extraction state and I will become the next viral YouTube sensation and get PAID
• Free from the burden of wisdom

CONS:

• I am very scared
• Pain
• What if they give me too many drugs
• What if they don't give me enough drugs
• I'm worried that I will start texting people after the procedure, please, Katherine, don't let this happen
• I just read an article about someone who got her wisdom teeth out and sustained nerve damage and one side of her face NEVER REGAINED FEELING. WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS TO ME??
• What if they put me under and the building catches on fire?
• What if I miss my wisdom teeth!
• Ghost tooth haunting possibility?

I mean, it will all be fine. It will be totally fine. IT'S GONNA BE FINE. I'm just kind of nervous. I've had a lot of unpleasant dental experiences in my day.

I really hope they let me keep the teeth.

Pros and Cons of Carrying Around A Lot of Quarters All the Time

PROS:

• Anytime the bus comes you definitely have enough to get on and ride
• You're always ready to go to the laundromat and do all your laundry
• Gumballs, etc

CONS:

• It is very heavy
• If someone asks you if you can spare any change and you say no, you are a liar
• Noisy 

I'll add to this list as more come to me.

If there's such a thing as love

My interests lie at two diametrically opposite ends of the spectrum and no one understands my art.

Posts about dreams are totally not boring and everyone wants to read these

I had a dream I met the person who was surely my 1 tru luv while I was distributing zines to my neighbors. He was a reclusive sort who lived in a building in the corner of my block (I had entered that building to leave some zines for my friend Fletcher, who lived there in my dream, and it is weird that he would even make an appearance in my dream because, like, he's my friend but I'm much closer with his wife, dreams are crazy, man). He had beautiful long dark hair and smoked cigarettes and had a cane and a bad leg but he was a ballet choreographer (?) how tragically romantic, I don't think that's even a real thing, and he saw me and came limping after me. He said he'd been trying to find me for so long- he was moved to compose a ballet inspired by me, and would I dance it? None of this sounds at all appealing now that I am awake, but he was very cute. I think he also read my ONE SERIOUS ZINE and was inspired to compose this ballet thing by that?
I was like, my email is in the back of that zine, if you've been trying to find me all this time why didn't you just email me.
But no words! Just dancing! We were in a smoky apartment and I said I don't know how to dance, mysterious neighbor, and he was going to teach me, gimpy leg and all.

And then he said "I am sixteen years old."
And I said "Wat."

Then I realized I was his babysitter.
Then I left.