Five Unique Gender Reveals that Will Really Knock Their Socks Off And Also Be Impossible for Jessica to Upstage

So you’re having a baby and it’s time to find an ostentatious way to start enforcing gender roles on your unborn child! There’s just one problem- your sister in law, Jessica is CONSTANTLY stealing the spotlight. Can’t she let you have just this one thing? No. No she cannot. Go with one of these Gender Reveal Party ideas and really show Jessica a thing or two!!

Beet Juice or Methylene? Only time will tell. 

(ONE) If you’re having a bouncing baby girl, inject all food and drink at the party with large amounts of concentrated beet juice. Boys are a tad more difficult, so hopefully you’re not having one of those little life-ruiners. For a baby boy you’ll need to dose your guests with Methylene Blue, a drug used to treat carbon monoxide poisoning.

Get your guests hyped, encourage them to eat and drink their fill- and then tell them the party is over. The surprise? The gender reveal will occur the next time they pee. Pink beet juice pee for a girl and blue chemical pee for a boy! How original and quirky! What a little sneak you are!

I swear to God if I shell out five hundred bucks for this enchanted fantasy and it's a boy I'm going to lose my shit

(TWO) If you believe what so-called ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS say, dove releases are cruel. But if you believe in FUN, they’re awesome! A mid-range rental of a crate of white doves will only set you back about $200-500, but it will be worth every penny when you see the look on Jessica’s face when she finds out that your gender reveal party is going to be a GODDAMN DOVE RELEASE!!!!

Have a friend dust the doves with a few packets of pink or blue Kool-Aid the morning of the party and you’re all set for a un-SPCA approved but more importantly ABSOLUTELY unforgettable, un-fuck-with-able gender reveal fit for a TRUE PRINCESS who, much like the 1% class she occupies, doesn’t believe in any kind of welfare- including ANIMAL WELFARE. Go scrub the floors, cinder-Jessica!

If Jessica complains just tell her to think about how good this will look on her resume

(THREE) This idea could get a little pricey but it’s definitely worth it. Pay for all the special people in your life to become certified ultrasound technicians. When they are done, send them an unlabeled ultrasound and let them use their newly learned skills to identify your baby’s junk! Not only will this be a gender reveal that your loved ones will NEVER forget, they will come away will some marketable skills, and JESSICA will never be able to top it.    

If anyone gets really upset just blame it on the hormones

(FOUR) I would expect that by the year 2017 all of your friends have severe food allergies. If so, invite them over and plan the menu to include something to induce anaphylactic shock in each guest. Here’s the fun part- beforehand an accomplice will covertly pickpocket each person, wrap their EpiPens in a pink or blue ribbon, and then during a strategic diversion, return the devices back to your friends. When they realize they’ve consumed tree nuts or shellfish or whatever other food that so-called natural selection has somehow made hazardous, (honestly, Jessica, you’re allergic to SESAME SEEDS? Are you shitting me???)  they’ll scramble to find their EpiPen (HOPEFULLY THEY CAN STILL AFFORD ONE, LOL, BIG PHARMA, AMIRITE?) and discover if you’re expecting sugar and spice or A DUMB BOY.  Hopefully no one will die.

Jessica looks happy, but I can tell she is SO PISSED

(FIVE) If you’re into long cons, this is the gender reveal for you. Invite all your friends and loved ones into the delivery room and the shape of your child’s genitals will let them know if they should be buying pink or blue! Bonus: Dragging it out this long will really grind Jessica’s gears!

big bear FREE

“Please!” Teng cried, “Please just calm down!”

It was no use. The only thing to do was to get out of the way and wait for the bear to wear itself out from its temper tantrum, like had happened so many times before.

It hadn’t always been like this. When Teng first brought the bear home from the carnival that hot summer evening a year before, the bear was so sweet- shy, even. She remembered stumbling through the door, carrying the bear, who had been too frightened to get out of the car. Teng, barely 5 feet tall herself, was only slightly bigger than the bear. She struggled into the building with the bear in her arms, finally making it into the apartment and tumbling to the floor in a heap, descending into a fit of laughter. The trill of Teng’s giggle and the bear’s amused snort blended into a happy harmony that would fill the apartment time and time again for the next few months.

But things had changed. Although already fully grown, the bear had only been a baby at that time. No one warned Teng about the sharp and sudden change in personality that stuffed carnival bears displayed as they matured. Teng wasn’t prepared for the moodiness, the fits, the destructive tantrums like the one the bear was in the midst of right now.

I should have known, Teng thought to herself, time and time again. She couldn’t think of a single person she knew who had kept a carnival bear for an extended period of time. She didn’t know anyone, in fact, who had an oversized stuffed bear like hers at all. True, not many people were as skilled at ring tossing as Teng was, but there were other ways to acquire such beasts. Arcade games, for example. And yard sales, if you weren’t the sporting type. Those poor bears were always turning up at yard sales.

Yard sales. Teng felt a pang. She replayed the conversation she’d had with the bear earlier, the one that had started his current rampage. Teng was moving out of the apartment into a new one- one that didn’t allow bears.

“I know, I should have checked first before I signed the lease,” she’d said fretfully. The lie felt obvious and cruel. Teng hadn’t checked on purpose. She had half hoped that the new building didn’t allow bears. It was an easy out. This couldn’t go on.

“We’ll find some place great for you, I promise” Teng had said, “We can find someone on…” She’d trailed off. She was going to say “Hampden Yard Sale,” but the words caught in her throat. Putting the bear up on Hampden Yard Sale? Like a piece of old Ikea furniture? She didn’t even blame him when he began growling at her. I deserve this, she thought to herself, as the bear began tearing through the apartment.

But this fit hadn’t been like the ones before. The bear, hurt, angry, and scared, had been at it for going on a full twenty minutes now. Teng was getting nervous. Being a stuffed bear, he could only do so much damage- mostly knocking things off of tables and tossing around throw pillows- but it was hard to watch and loud besides.

“Please” Teng tried again, “Please, I’m sorry.” At this the bear stopped. He turned his head and glared at her reproachfully, then slowly skulked away, collapsing on the steps. Moments later Teng heard the bear snoring. She peeked around the corner and over the balustrade. In his exhaustion, the bear had passed out with his eyes wide open. Teng surreptitiously snapped a picture with her phone and crept away into the kitchen. Tears streaming down her face, Teng began typing her post.

“Please take this bear from me…”