Five Unique Gender Reveals that Will Really Knock Their Socks Off And Also Be Impossible for Jessica to Upstage

So you’re having a baby and it’s time to find an ostentatious way to start enforcing gender roles on your unborn child! There’s just one problem- your sister in law, Jessica is CONSTANTLY stealing the spotlight. Can’t she let you have just this one thing? No. No she cannot. Go with one of these Gender Reveal Party ideas and really show Jessica a thing or two!!

Beet Juice or Methylene? Only time will tell. 

(ONE) If you’re having a bouncing baby girl, inject all food and drink at the party with large amounts of concentrated beet juice. Boys are a tad more difficult, so hopefully you’re not having one of those little life-ruiners. For a baby boy you’ll need to dose your guests with Methylene Blue, a drug used to treat carbon monoxide poisoning.

Get your guests hyped, encourage them to eat and drink their fill- and then tell them the party is over. The surprise? The gender reveal will occur the next time they pee. Pink beet juice pee for a girl and blue chemical pee for a boy! How original and quirky! What a little sneak you are!

I swear to God if I shell out five hundred bucks for this enchanted fantasy and it's a boy I'm going to lose my shit

(TWO) If you believe what so-called ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS say, dove releases are cruel. But if you believe in FUN, they’re awesome! A mid-range rental of a crate of white doves will only set you back about $200-500, but it will be worth every penny when you see the look on Jessica’s face when she finds out that your gender reveal party is going to be a GODDAMN DOVE RELEASE!!!!

Have a friend dust the doves with a few packets of pink or blue Kool-Aid the morning of the party and you’re all set for a un-SPCA approved but more importantly ABSOLUTELY unforgettable, un-fuck-with-able gender reveal fit for a TRUE PRINCESS who, much like the 1% class she occupies, doesn’t believe in any kind of welfare- including ANIMAL WELFARE. Go scrub the floors, cinder-Jessica!

If Jessica complains just tell her to think about how good this will look on her resume

(THREE) This idea could get a little pricey but it’s definitely worth it. Pay for all the special people in your life to become certified ultrasound technicians. When they are done, send them an unlabeled ultrasound and let them use their newly learned skills to identify your baby’s junk! Not only will this be a gender reveal that your loved ones will NEVER forget, they will come away will some marketable skills, and JESSICA will never be able to top it.    

If anyone gets really upset just blame it on the hormones

(FOUR) I would expect that by the year 2017 all of your friends have severe food allergies. If so, invite them over and plan the menu to include something to induce anaphylactic shock in each guest. Here’s the fun part- beforehand an accomplice will covertly pickpocket each person, wrap their EpiPens in a pink or blue ribbon, and then during a strategic diversion, return the devices back to your friends. When they realize they’ve consumed tree nuts or shellfish or whatever other food that so-called natural selection has somehow made hazardous, (honestly, Jessica, you’re allergic to SESAME SEEDS? Are you shitting me???)  they’ll scramble to find their EpiPen (HOPEFULLY THEY CAN STILL AFFORD ONE, LOL, BIG PHARMA, AMIRITE?) and discover if you’re expecting sugar and spice or A DUMB BOY.  Hopefully no one will die.

Jessica looks happy, but I can tell she is SO PISSED

(FIVE) If you’re into long cons, this is the gender reveal for you. Invite all your friends and loved ones into the delivery room and the shape of your child’s genitals will let them know if they should be buying pink or blue! Bonus: Dragging it out this long will really grind Jessica’s gears!